I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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