Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
