turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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