She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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