Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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