Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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