my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
