New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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