1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Come see our sink grown plant.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
