I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
