Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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