i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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