im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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