he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
