I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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