I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Randomize
