Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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