he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
