My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
