To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
