shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
