Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Two words: nipple clamps
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