I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
