so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
