We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I could fuck to npr.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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