The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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