If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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