my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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