i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
