I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
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he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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