Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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