I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize