Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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