Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
