six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
