I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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