I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
