we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
