omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
