There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
