I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
