So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
