white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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