he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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