Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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