If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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