someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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