I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"