I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
