I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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