All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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