I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I checked into jail on foursquare
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
