How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
