Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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