One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
