Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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