i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
