i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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