i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
