My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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