Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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