I think my vagina is haunted
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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