Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
