i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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