The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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